NICU Journal - September 1, 2003 Early Morning Around Midnight

Still groggy from my emergency C-Section, I begged to see the girls. I remember trying to shake off the remnants of the anesthesia and try to be clear-headed. Some kind nurse explained that the girls were on ventilators and had many probes on them and not to be distressed by that. I was still on a moveable bed and they gave me pillows to hold on my abdomen while they wheeled me down a long hall, into an elevator and into the back door of the NICU at Forsyth hospital. I couldn't really see from my lying position and summoned what I had to sit up and see the girls. I remember this seemed to surprise some people, but you know those stories about mothers lifting VWs off their babies....I no longer doubt them. Dave was with me.

We met Dr. Block, a neonatologist with many years experience who hailed from South Africa. Through the post-surgical haze, my best cocktail party banter came out. "I detect an accent. Where are you from?" "Oh, really? Where in South Africa?" "My sister-in-law worked there, but she's originally from Durban. She and her friends call themselves the 'suburban Durban Tarts.'" Chuckle from the doctor. [points for making the attending chuckle]. He informed us that the NICU is a long, emotional roller-coaster ride. I said something like, "Oh. I love roller coasters." Then, still in the haze, I went into my cross-examination mode, with a little bit of Mary Kay sugar. I comfortably threw around enough scientific jargon that he asked, "Madam, what is your background?" "Law. And Mary Kay cosmetics." Another chuckle.

When you see your child as a newborn, they don't come close to the cover models on Parents magazine. When you see your newborn as a micro-preemie, there's a part of you that whispers "are they even human?" The answer, resoundingly, is YES! But their tinyness, and their neediness and their peculiar color and shape make you doubt it for a moment. I was cautioned not to touch them as I would a term baby. They were nothing but nerve endings and any touch can cause them distress. I held David's hand, gazed at my girls, cried, prayed and thanked God that they were alive.

I fell into an exhausted sleep. And Dave was with me.